totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She bit a glass in half.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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