I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
