Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
