i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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