I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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