Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
