I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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