There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
