He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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