Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
