My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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