I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
