I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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