I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
