i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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