That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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