If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
