i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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