never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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