I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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