if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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