just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
