Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
