rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
