no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
