if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Someone came in the potted fern
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
