I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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