We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
