Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
