Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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