Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
