Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
