Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
