I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
