the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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