So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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