Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
