Best friends brother. Beat that.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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