I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
