the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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