Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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