Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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