What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
