You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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