I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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