I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
