I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
