I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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