I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
