your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
