the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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